"Mumming Play" (1996)

Traditional Text Arranged By A.Anderson & Red Stags Morris

King John

Make Room, Make Room I say, In comes I King John, King John is a man of courage bold With my sword and spear by my side I've won many crowns of gold. I fought a fiery dragon and drove it to the slaughter, And by the means of this and that I won the King of Bohemia's daughter. So after me, walk in father, walk in old man...

Father Christmas

In comes I old Father Christmas, welcome or welcome not, I hope old Father Christmas will never be forgot. Now Christmas comes but once a year, And when it comes it brings good cheer. Roast beef, plum pudding, minced pies, Who likes them better than I?

King John

We can see that, old man... Why I have travelled both far and near. I need reviving with a mug of your strong beer. and if you bring me a pot of the best I hope your soul in heaven shall rest. But if it is a pot of the small, We cannot show you any sport at all.

King John is given a mug of beer

Ah, a mug of the best, the finest pint in all the West

King John wanders off, whistling, to drink his beer

Father Christmas

Now, though old Father Christmas has but a short time to stay, He'll show you sport and pastime, before he goes away, Activity of youth, activity of age, the like of which has ne'er been seen on the stage.

All

(shout)

Nor likely to be

Father Christmas

Now in this place there shall be shown the dreadfullest battle that was ever known. Walk in King John and boldly act thy part, That all gathered here may see your wondrous art.

King John

Is there a man stands in this land, I cannot cut down 'neath my created hand?

Extra

My name is Little No, In comes I to join the show, I'll fight King John with Wondrous Art.nd boldly act thy part, That all gathered here may see your wondrous art.

All

Get on out, it's not your part!

Father Christmas

But I know, there stands without, A man to beat King John, without a doubt.nd boldly act thy part, That all gathered here may see your wondrous art.

Slasher

In come I, a valiant soldier, Slasher is my name, With my sword and buckler by my side, I hope to win the game. My head is made of iron, my body lined with steel, All the rest is muscle, here love, want a feel?

King John

Go and cut your funny dance, Against King John you stand no chance. I'll grind your bones as fine as dust, And send them to the cookshop to make mince pie crust, So prepare your sword to fight, Satisfaction I shall have before you go tonight.

Slasher

So battle to battle you and I must play, To see who on this ground shall lay. I'll quickly take the life from thee, or thee from me.

King John

So battle to battle you and I must call, To see who on this ground shall fall. So mind your hits and guard your blows, Likewise your head and eyes also. They fight and Slasher dies

Father Christmas

You been and killed my son. A Doctor, a Doctor, call me a Doctor.

All

You're a Doctor

raucous laughter from the audience interrupts progress for minutes!

Extra

In comes I to show my art, but now I find I must depart.

receives suitable treatment from Father Christmas

Father Christmas

Is there a doctor to be found, To cure my son lies bleeding on the ground?

Doctor

Oh yes, there is a doctor to be found, To cure your bleeding son who lies... To cure your son who lies on the bleeding ground..., To cure your son who lies upon the ground, bleeding.

Father Christmas

But what is thy fee, Doctor?

Doctor

Ten farthings is my fee, But ten guineas I ask of thee. Fetch me an old woman, four score years and ten, And I'll soon fetch her round, fat and plump again, And ask nothing for my fee.

Father Christmas

What can you cure, Doctor?

Doctor

I can cure wheezes, sneezes, cuts and grazes, I have a skill that always amazes. Nicks and scratches, bumps and bruises, Why almost anything I chooses! I've mended sides that split form laughing, And stopped a cat from loudly barking.

Father Christmas

Really! How did you learn your trade?

Doctor

On my travels of course. Why I've been to Eastleigh, Beulieu and Leigh Delamere And most of the pubs, hotels and bars you'll find round here. Italy, Sicily, France and Spain, all round the Isle of Wight and back again.

Extra

Can I have a word?

they huddle together

Doctor

(Stage Whisper/Shout)

HEAMORRHOIDS! I've got piles of solutions. But... I'll ask double for my fee.

Father Christmas

You seem too clever for me, Doctor.

Doctor

Clever, clever as you shall see! I have a little bottle of stuff with me, Some call it hokey-pokey, some kill-me-pains, Let them call it what they will: Gales, Badger? It will soon fetch your son to life. One drop on the skullbone, one drop on the heart... Arise Bold Champion and quickly depart.

Father Christmas

Thankee Doctor, thankee. Now in comes a Turkish knight, and with King George he wants to fight. He tells of great wonder and boasts of great skill, and if he gets the chance, King John he'll surely kill.

Extra

In comes I, the Man of Kent. In I come and out I went.

Turkish Knight

In comes I the Turkish knight. from Turkey's land I've come to fight. So King John put up your sword to fight, Satisfaction I will have before you go tonight.

King John

Ha! Ha! my friend, your talk is very bold, But though your blood be very hot, I'll quickly fetch it cold. So therefore Turkish Knight, Prepare your sword to fight, Pull out your purse to pay, Satisfaction I will have before you go away.

Turkish Knight

so battle to battle you and I must play, to see who on this ground shall lay, So mind your hits and guard your blows, Likewise your hits and eyes also.

They fight, Turkish Knight submits...

Now down upon bended knee I humbly crave, Spare my life and a ransom my Kingdom shall raise.

King John

Rise up at once thou Turkish knight and to thy country go, And tell how great is England's King who shows mercy to a foe.

Turkish Knight

I shall leave this country, and quickly I'll be gone, God bless the good people of Hampshire, Likewise their champion King John.

Both Depart

Extra

In comes I, The Parson's Nose. In I comes and out I goes.

Receives suitable treatment from Xmas yet again

Twing Twang

In comes I, Twing Twang, strong man of the press gang, Come to press young men to the Navy, To fight the French, and just about everybody else. I am a man of great renown, With wife and kids in every town. And though my name be Johnny Jack, with my wife and family on my back. My head is big, my wit is small, I think I'm the best man of all.

Father Christmas

Oh you do, do you?

Twing Twang

Yes, I'm strong.

Slasher

You're not strong enough to carry a tune!

Twing Twang

I'm fast.

Turkish Knight

You're not fast enough to catch a cold!

Twing Twang

My sword is sharp.

King John

It's not as sharp as your wife's tongue!

Twing Twang

I've great skill.

Extra

You've great skill at spinning a yarn! Can you move?

Twing Twang

I've moved many a lady's heart!

Father Christmas

As you think you're the man to beat King John, Well I should have fought him all along. I could have beaten him black and blue, Why I think I'll have a rap along with you.

Twing Twang

Battle to battle you and I must play, To see who on this ground shall lay.

Father Christmas

Battle to battle you and I must call, To see who on this ground shall fall.

They fight. Father Christmas is killed

Twing Twang

Ladies and Gentlemen, see what I've done, I've killed my poor father, before the rising sun. And now our play is almost ended, Our moneybox is recommended, Silver and Gold will do us no harm, While good food will help to keep us warm Good luck and Good fortune are all that we bring, So please treat us kindly and God Save the King. Now here I sit, taking my ease, Ladies and Gentlemen, give what you please.

T H E   E N D

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